Chapter 21

Chapter 21 - The Truth

And so she decided. She decided there and then to tell him the truth. She decided to confide in this tall man that she was in love with and had barely got to know. So she told him everything. She started at the end and ended at their beginning. For she wished with every ounce of her being that this would be their beginning. But how could it be. How could he ever care about her once he knew the truth. But, the truth is what she told him. It seemed like the only thing left to do. For now it was finally all over. She would never get out of this one.

“So I killed him. After twenty years of marriage and a thousand beatings something just got hold of me and made me put that knife in his stomach. That knife that was intended for the lamb instead terminated him and his beatings. He raised his fist and he was about to smash it against the side of my head when my arm just jerked forwards and put that knife in his belly. It went in all the way. It felt like I had put the knife right through him. I must have, for then he died. He stared at me in total disbelief and then he died. I will never forget his look. I mean, there was no anger, no hate, no fear and no remorse. There was just complete surprise. He was silenced by his shock. The last thing in the world that he ever imagined was that I might one day fight back. It’s not surprising really. I allowed him to beat me and my son so many times and I never said a word. So why would I suddenly react? What happened to me that night? Maybe I’ll never quite know.”

Angela sat on the bench, under the moons rays and in the nights heat. But she was not sweating and neither was he. She was stone cold. And she was desperate and she was terrified. She was more terrified than at any point in her sorry life. And she knew that her life could only get more miserable. This new found happiness and freedom of hers was just a momentary break from her life of misery and hopelessness. And she knew it. For the first time in her petty existence she actually thought about the future and knew what it would be like. And it was not a pleasant sight.

Michael paced next to her in front of Monte Amiato. He paced and he paced and he looked at the mountain. It was as though this mountain was the friend in common that had introduced them to each other and now looked down on them both. Looked down on them in disappointment and disbelief. Monte Amiato stared somberly upon them until the point where Michael could no longer look up. So he continued pacing. He continued pacing and so she continued talking.

“I just don’t know what got over me. I’m so sorry. God am I sorry. I should never have done it. And now I will lose my son and my life. And I already lost my daughter and I so wanted a daughter. I never had a sister and I so wanted my own little daughter. I always knew what I would call her. But he kicked her to death. And he nearly smashed Giuseppe to death and so I killed him. And that makes me even worse than him. My poor children. Both their parents are murderers. One worse than the other.”

Angela then fell silent. She fell more silent than the night. She didn’t even breath. She just fell silent and so did he. For her final realization made them both freeze for what felt like forever. For she had reached her conclusion and now she had to meet her fate. And that was that.

“So, both of us are punished. He with the loss of his life and me with the loss of both of my children. And that’s the way it should be. I’m so sorry Michael. I’m so sorry. I should never have involved you. I’m so sorry.”

Angela spoke the words as a final goodbye. For she knew it was time to leave. She only had one night left and she needed to be with her son. She didn’t even look at her mountain as she walked away from him. How could she. But walk away she did with her head hanging low.

Angela walked the walk to her parents house as if in a trance. She just focused on putting one foot in front of the other. It was as though she had rehearsed this walk in her sub conscience a hundred times. She imagined that this is how it must feel as a murderer walks to their end, on death row, in America. It felt so quiet and so final. Her mind became blank and her soul was empty. She didn’t cry once and she wasn’t even panicked. She was finally resigned. Finally and terminally resigned.

So Angela opened the door to her parents house slowly and solemnly. Then she saw her son in his pajama’s one last time. And when he smiled at her he knew something was wrong so she changed her expression and she hugged him. Then she took him to his bedroom and she spoke to him. She spoke to him as a mother speaks to her son when she knows that she will not be with him as he grows. So she told him how to be. In those short few hours she told him how to be for the rest of his life. And he cried and he held her and he kept asking her what was wrong. And she kept shushing him and teaching him. Teaching him one last time with all of her heart. And he listened. He listened properly and for the first time in her life she knew that she was a good mother. So, when it came time for her to leave him it was ok. It was the most difficult moment of her existence but it was ok.

So Angela tucked her son up in bed and kissed him. Then she turned the light out one last time and she left his room. As she closed his door she shut herself off. She shut herself off from any future pain. She shuttered.

Then she told her parents everything. She told them that she would be taken away that next morning and that was that. She told them how to look after Giuseppe and she could not have been more matter of fact. Even as her parents lay in her lap and cried. She could feel her dress becoming wet with their tears. But she continued. The nights heat would dry the dress before long. So she told her parents how to become parents again. No longer for her, but for the future of her son. And finally they agreed. Once they realized that there was nothing that they could do to stop her, they wailed and then they agreed. Their hearts broke and they agreed. In silence and in respect. For they never loved their daughter more than they loved her that night. She could not have been more perfect to them.

And when she finished talking to them she hugged them both. She hugged them and she told them that she loved them and always would. And then last of all she thanked them. She thanked them and she walked away from them. And for the first time she saw two old people holding each other and looking at her. It was the strangest of moments for her to finally see her parents no longer as parents but as two old folk, but in that moment it happened. So she smiled at them and gave them her strength and she left.

She could never have known that Michael had followed her to her parents house and waited outside and cried. He was like a shadow. No one saw him. He at least made sure of that. So as she stepped out of their front door he grabbed her. And she saw that he was crying as he kissed her. And he kissed her for what seemed like for ever and then he told her. He told her that he loved her more than anything in the world and he told her that he could never imagine being without her. He told her that he had lost his wife and he was not about to lose her. And then at the very end he told her that he had a plan. She stared at him in disbelief and then she listened. She listened very hard.

copyright ©Philip L Letts 2007